King Diamond – “Abigail” (1987)

One can’t deny the quality of the metal music on display here.  Regarding the guitars and drums, Abigail featured elegantly performed metal with a gothic feel.  It was all perfectly suited for the macabre ghost story the King had in store for us.  (Something about a stillborn bastard child haunting people… I don’t know… read the lyrics yo’ damn self.)  Ah yes, King Diamond.  Satan’s pool boy.  The man in the Gene Simmons clown paint.  The man of many voices, all of them absolutely HORRIBLE.  No kidding.  The unintentional comedy factor on any King Diamond album is through the f*cking roof.  His low “scary” voice obnoxiously trades off with his piercing castrato; all just too ridiculous for words.  How this man ever had a career in the business, I’ll never quite know.  But to his credit, King Diamond garnered a formidable cult following, which only makes me question just where the line should be drawn between bona fide heavy metal and out-and-out mockery of the genre.  And worst of all, I am scaring myself by actually enjoying this album a little bit more every year.  It is this gradual desensitization that makes me wonder if my sanity is at risk.  I admit, I like it when King harmonizes with himself on some of the high notes.  And some of the melodies are kind of interesting, mostly because they are so unorthodox.  Don’t get me wrong, King Diamond’s vocals do suck, but behind closed doors and locked windows (were no one can catch me listening), I’m slowly converting.  Satan, you sneaky son of a bitch.  My score: C+


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